Miss Myra's Identity Crisis

O.K., so here’s the deal. I think I’m having some sort of identity crisis (that’s identity; not to be confused with mid-life.) First of all, they are two totally different things and second of all, I am nowhere near what I consider to be mid-life, thank you very much. No, it’s identity; it’s who am I and what do I want to be when I grow up kind of stuff. Ridiculous!

Every day, without fail, in my new community of Fremont, somebody, and usually lots of somebodies ask me what I do. I mean, come on! That’s a fair question. This is easy. I’ve got this. “Right now I’m staying home with our children; helping them to get established and feel safe in their new home.” That’s what I should say because that’s the truth and yet I don’t say that at all. I stutter as if I’ve somehow forgotten what I do. I’m nervous that saying I stay at home will give them the idea that I’m a “traditional” stay at home mom and that’s not true, because eventually I will need to go back to work. I’m hesitant to say it, not because I’m ashamed of it, nothing could be further from the truth. I can’t imagine how much harder this transition would be (not to mention how much hungrier we all would be) if I were working outside the home. I can’t imagine loving on my children in any other way and I feel so blessed with this time together; no, I’m hesitant to say it because I feel like a hypocrite; as in I’m not a “real” stay-at-home-mom. Furthermore, if I do manage to keep it simple with, “Well, at the moment, I’m staying home,” then the obvious follow-up is, “What did you do before?” Again, there are voices in my head are yelling, “teacher! teacher! just say teacher!” And yet, I’m not a traditional teacher, so that doesn’t seem to fit either. This morning on a six mile run, I spent about 2 miles explaining to one new friend and a handful of total strangers that I was a Kindermusik teacher, private piano teacher and music instructor at a school for special needs children and orphans. All the while, the voices in my head were screaming, “NOBODY CARES!” If I were simply afraid of giving the wrong impression (say, by telling them that I’m a teacher when I’m not a real teacher (as in certified) and, come to find out a Masters degree in Music Education from the University of Nebraska doesn’t even qualify me to substitute teach in Nebraska) then I could leave it at, education. “What’s your field?” “Oh, yes, my field…..well, I’m staying at home (again, not our home, but the little yellow home) with our children but formerly I was in the field of education.” And yet for the six or so weeks that we’ve been here, I’ve yet to say anything even remotely that intelligent.

I’m resilient though, so after my little train wreck of an explanation, I bounce back and keep going. I tell them I’ve been writing a blog (again, nobody cares) and that I’d like to become a writer (they don’t believe me) and while no-one has actually hired me or paid me to write anything, I’m in the process of writing a book and am planning to be the next Elizabeth Gilbert. (O.K., so I leave the last part out. I don’t want them to think I’m confused and conceited.) Plus, it’s going to be hard enough making friends with my “Smoking stinks….no butts about it” t-shirt and stop smoking at public schools campaign. As a side note, I know some of you are concerned about my t-shirt idea but what if I save their life, hu? What about that? Because maybe after seeing my t-shirt the moms outside my son’s school will read a book or get on the internet and discover, that “Oh my gosh! Smoking can kill you.” Who knows, maybe they’ll even read my book. Although, I promise that my book is not going to be about smoking….well, I mean maybe just one chapter.

(Side note: Please do not interpret my sarcasm and total frustration with the smoking moms as being insensitive to the fact that it’s almost impossibly hard to quit smoking; my point is simply that they don’t have to do it at the school. I have a friend who smokes and her two children (ages 5 and 3) don’t even know, so all I’m saying is that the smoking moms need to STEP AWAY from my children.)

So what do I tell people? (By the way, I’ve moved off smoking and am back to my life’s calling.) Short of saying nothing, which I’ve proven is next to impossible; I really don’t know what to say. If it wasn’t such a small town, I think it would be fun to make stuff up, like I’m a lawyer or a dog trainer, ooh, or a dog walker; yes, that’s good, only it is a small town and I’m fairly certain lying is not the answer. I don’t know the answer right now (which I suppose would make a good answer,) but I do know that I’m feeling a little lonesome for Miss Myra because everyone knew what Miss Myra “did.” I’m lonesome for her because children here don’t run up and give me hugs. They don’t want to sit in my lap; they don't ask me to swing them. They don’t draw me pictures and bring me presents. As further evidence that Miss Myra has gone missing, I, honest to goodness, made a baby cry the other day, which totally made me want to cry. Miss Myra would never make a baby cry. This is crazy! Stop crying and stop asking me what I do because I don’t know!

A week or so before we moved, a friend posted a quote by Walter Brueggemann: “Only embraced endings permit new beginnings.” I love that quote (even if I’m quite content to ignore it) and was reminded of it today while listening to Coulter tell his Dad that he loves his new school.

Say WHAT?

“I love my new school. They have really special days. They have ‘you don’t have to bring your back pack (which, and this is sooo weird, they call your book bag) day, and they have young authors day and, well I don’t know what else, but I know they have really special days.”

I’m staying home right now to be with my children. I’m staying home right now to help them feel safe and secure and loved; to help steer them through this transition. I’m staying home because my husband is selfless enough to make this sacrifice for our family. So the next time someone asks? Today, I’m a stay at home mom and while there is no pay-check, I know it’s paying off because today Coulter said he loved his new school. Today Coulter said in his almost 6 year old words that he’s embracing the endings and welcoming new beginnings. Lord, Jesus, help me to do the same.