But It's Not Fair!

I was sitting in church. Listening. Sort of. Wandering thoughts. Focus, already! But Emma Claire is up and she is down and she dropped her crayons and she’s hungry. Starving, in fact. And I try to listen, but mostly I’m just hearing. But then he says it. And then he repeats it and I hear it. I really hear it. And it makes me mad. I am certain he is wrong.


We are to blame. Us. The parents. The behaviors we see in our children (you know, those less than desirable ones?) Evidently they learn it from us.

Well, kindly speak for yourself. That can’t possibly be right.

But he said it and I think maybe, just maybe God has given him special insight as He often does to those He calls and perhaps I should give this further thought.

So I make a list.

TOP 5 BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS: (and I’m happy to report that I only made it to 2).

#1. “What’s next?” As in, “this was great, but I need more.”

#2. “It’s not fair!” Also takes the form of “She did it!”, “It wasn’t my fault.” “It’s never my fault.”

And that was it. That’s my list. I am blessed. I know this.

I look at the list. Pastor was wrong. Must be public school.

Fast forward. More church. A picnic lunch (ok, whatever, it was sort of a picnic. We ate sandwiches in the car), and “Seussical the Musical”. 7th row.

Heading home, we call their dad (lest I be accused (again!) of hiding or concealing them) and Coulter starts in telling him about our day. Coulter turns on the speaker phone. “Great!” Their dad says. “What’s next? Is mom taking you to the pool?”

The POOL!?!?! It was 4:30 and we’d been gone since 9:15. I’m thinking a morning of worship followed by a Broadway show counts for a full day. I was so annoyed.

And then I smiled.

“What’s next?” Oh my gosh, Pastor was right! I went back to my list and marked through #1 with a note that I would need to talk to their Dad about his behavior. :)

It was weeks later when I received news of November. Remember. November? I emailed my attorney and I asked to meet with him. And soon.

I tried to communicate my feelings (I cried). I tried to verbalize my frustration (More crying). I tried to explain why November was no good. He told me November was it. He told me to accept it. And the whole time, screaming silently in my head, there was a three year-old little girl crying out, “But it’s not fair! This isn’t my fault!”

Darn Pastor.

My attorney got mad. I frustrate him on many levels. This I can see. He doesn’t understand my life for the past 15 years. He looks incredulously at me, wondering how a seemingly intelligent, well-educated mother of two got here. Here.

“Look,” he says. “I’m not the one that married the guy and had his children.”

Uhm, ok.

And then I remembered my list. Oh. My. Gosh. What am I teaching my children?

He’s right. I married “the guy.” And while God’s grace frees me from a life of slavery, there are logical consequences to our choices. Some are blessings. Some are miracles and I have 2 of those. And I’m not just talking cliché miracles. I am talking, living, breathing, spirits full of joy, miracles.

Would I make a different choice? Never. But are there consequences beyond the miracles? Absolutely.

The truth is I’m stuck at # 2. Is it fair? No, it’s not. But is it fair that I was born in America? Is it fair that some worship in secret while fearing for their lives, while I have the freedom to go where I want, when I want and worship Who I want? Is it fair that soldiers are being sent out all over this world to fight battles; some of them not even our own, while tonight, surrounded by friends (and diet coke!) I will gaze at “bombs bursting in air”? Is such an easy life of freedom and abundance fair?

No. And Praise God for it!

Happy 4th, everyone!